Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
