Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pants are for mortals
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
