I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
