I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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