I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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