How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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