yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I am available for nakedness
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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