I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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