shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
