Are we in a gay sports bar?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
