Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
