My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
