I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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