can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
