need another drink. this is the easiest way
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
