You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
