I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
