i jhust puked up my retainher.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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