Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
