i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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