I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
