Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Randomize
