i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
