is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think my vagina is haunted
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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