I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
