it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
