I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
