I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
