Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Drake has all the answers
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
