Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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