she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
