Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
