At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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