11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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