someone threw a dead crab at me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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