i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
