my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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