Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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