also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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