Banned from zoo.
Again?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
