This dress was meant to end up on your floor
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
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I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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