If i come over, it means nothing
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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