Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
