Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
