I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Randomize
