Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
