shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just pee around me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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