woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
one might say we're banned from that church
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
