If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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