are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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