i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
