two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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