I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
