believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
