she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.