Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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