just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
