I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He felt like a one man threesome
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
